Criticism and the Internet friend
This is an excerpt from my journal.
I have made a few friends online through my activities. Generally, I care about deep connections: to talk about life and expand on shared experiences. I usually do more of the listening, because that is who I am, though still contribute with poignant remarks and relevant commentary.
My interests are diverse, covering the full spectrum of human experiences. I can connect on matters as far apart as mechanical keyboards and dog training, physical fitness and programming, art and farming. And because of my philosophical disposition, I always am open to new ideas, plus I find connections in patterns that are not obvious to others.
One time I was having a chat with someone who shared with me their experience with psychedelics. I have never done psychedelics because I never felt the need to. Though I am not against them in principle and am always eager to give my undivided attention to any topic. What I am against is abuse and recklessness: the freedom to ruin yourself is a freedom I have no respect for. I am, if you will, opposed to “heroin-ising the LSD in your ignorance” as Nikolas Asimos correctly points out in one of his songs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gW6ucfl36m4.
As we were talking, I expounded on some of my thoughts about the interconnectedness of the world. The person eventually exclaimed how “I feel I am tripping right now”. This is what you get when you let me connect the dots from the most practical consideration to the greatest abstractions. I probably never felt the need to do psychedelics because I am like Obelix: I fell in the cauldron of Kykeon as a child, so I have that perspective built into me ever since.
People need a safe space to speak their mind. They want to find somebody who understands them. Open-mindedness is a good starting point to feel the other person and relate to their lived moments. It still takes courage to open up, as it requires the emotional maturity to deal with feedback and potentially integrate it in your routines.
There is this common phrase nowadays that “I do not mean to criticise, but…”. It is a figment of political correctness and, when applied consistently, a disservice to those you care about. Criticism is not the same as shittalking or being argumentative: it is an informed opinion that is framed in the context of your contribution. You benefit from criticism as it helps you understand things from a different perspective.
Indeed, “criticism” shares the same root as “crisis” and “critic”, which means “judgement”. Judgement is prudential insight. As with matters of law, a judge is someone who knows what they are talking about. Some random fellow is no judge: they are a vociferous ignoramus at best and when there are lots of them, you have the rule of the mob, which is a form of tyranny and decadence (e.g. cancel culture).
Immature and mentally feeble is the person who cannot handle criticism. Instead of listening, they argue back before you have even completed your sentence. Instead of admitting to their shortcomings, they double down on their incoherent thoughts. And when you ask them to pay attention, they bring up their precious feelings.
Your vaunted feelings are your prison cell, friend. They confine you to a tiny space that can only feed your fears. You have gotten so used to that state of insecurity and attendant mediocrity to the point where you consider it comfortable. You are not taking any opportunity to grow and to become the most excellent version of yourself. Instead of using your feelings as a hardened carapace, learn to recognise things as they are. You do that by being attentive. This is the prerequisite to expanding your reach. As such, there are people who proceed through action and there are people who have feelings.
This is not about lacking emotion and about becoming this caricature of a man with a stiff upper lip. No. It is about understanding that we sometimes grow attached to the wrong things and that in those cases we fail to identify the corruption that gradually occurs in our midst like rot under the carpet.
The best kind of criticism involves emotional intelligence: you know what to say and when to say it. Sometimes the medicine will still be bitter. It does not matter if you dislike its taste though as it still cures you.
If your friend is never giving you feedback that would qualify as criticism, then they are not your friend. They may be your colleague, your teammate, your talking buddy. Those are all fine. But they are not friends. A friend shows love. Love makes no discounts both when it is gentle and when it is tough.
By the way, “philia” (φιλία), the Greek word for “friendship” is a specialised form of “agape” (αγάπη), which is why “philo-sophia” (philosophy) is sometimes translated as “love of wisdom”.
Coming back to the Internet friends, the medium is digital though the attitude is the same. I have not met any of the friends I have online and might never do so. Though I still treat them with care. One such friend was defending their dissertation the other day. I attended the video call, even though I have no face-to-face connection with this person or any of their family. I was among the handful of friends and relatives who were in the audience. And I did it at an hour that was inconvenient for me. My friend told me after the fact how they drew strength from our presence there and how that helped them do what they ought to.
A friend sometimes says nothing. Their deeds do the talking. You know that for as long as I can, I shall. And I will be there to inspire you to reach your highest peak. Why? Because I care about you in particular.